Beyond the Like Culture: How to Embrace Unhappiness and Find Meaning
This week I read this intriguing book of Dirk De Wachter, one of Belgian’s most renowned and valued psychiatrists and psychotherapist. Since we’re living in a world where ‘happiness’ seems to be the most common goal of every human being, the title of the book – ‘The Art of Being Unhappy’ – caught my attention and I must admit it kept doing so until the very last page.
Let me share with you the 5 most significant findings that won’t necessarily make you happier, but hopefully just a little bit more OK, if that's OK.
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We all want to squeeze every last drop out of our life. But watch out… Sometimes the pudding is burned at the bottom. If you start scraping too much, it’s not so tasty anymore. We want to climb Mount Everest, live a life for two, run tree marathons in a year and admire the Seven Wonders of the World. There are no standards in this area, and everybody has his own passion, but don’t let it become coercion. There’s nothing wrong with ordinary.
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If happiness is the goal in life, unhappiness is an annoying and undesirable obstacle. The ‘like’ culture we live in has a standard: everybody successful, fit, young, smart, beautiful, inexhaustible. If we don’t meet that standard, we’d rather not talk about it. We hide away with our own little unhappiness where it only becomes bigger and insurmountable. We push away sadness, as it’s not a part of life. The art of living is to accept that difficulties and shortages are part of life, and to share them with others. We have to keep talking to each other, or else our 'I' is in danger of getting soaked up in itself and waste away.
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Needless to say, the past year gave us no choice but to wallow blindly in a virtual culture full of back-to-back meetings and FaceTime hugs. On top of that, we have to be constantly available, stay mentally and physically sharp non-stop and be in a hypomanic mood with a natural cool and toothpaste smile. To do the exact opposite, let’s plead for inaccessibility holidays, for dinners with a phone stack (the first one that touches his or her phone, is buying) and for smart(phone) breaks.
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To get through difficulties and unhappiness, time and proximity are essential. Unfortunately, those two are scarce resources in today’s world. Especially in times of social distancing, it’s even harder to share feelings of sadness and loneliness. Although we so much need a good conversation, too often we avoid it and try to solve it magically with a smiley. To get through setbacks, we have to meet each other, see the tears or fear in the eyes of our friend and feel each other. We have to be able to say: "I need you", without the fear of being de-friended. Talking is essential, but not easy in a society where images are more dominant.
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Most people who suffer from burnout indicate that the content of their job is not meaningful enough, or that their work is undervalued. In the first place, it’s not about work pressure or overtime – no - it’s about making sense. The leaders of today can make a real difference here, being present, listen, show understanding and give sense and recognition.
To conclude, I believe the major challenge of today is: how can we weave peace in our lives, or, as in a dance, balance the feeling between slow and fast, virtually connected and physically distanced?